Why is tonight different?

2004-04-04 - 11:25 a.m.

I've eaten the last of the bread, my dear husband is counting down to his last bowl of cereal, the rice is packed up and I will spend the evening steaming my counters..... Doesn't sound quite as nice as that little xmas diddy about the stockings hung on the chimney, but hey, that's Passover for you!!!!

I hate Passover. It brings on tremendous stress for me. It stems from the first few Seder's with my husband family, when we weren't married. Let's just say they never welcomed me with opened arms. And while I must give credit where it's due and say they've come a long way and are no longer openly hostile towards me, I still can't stand the damn holidays.

The one redeeming thing is that after last's years attempt at making everyone happy and attending both Seders at his sisters' houses, we are returning to our one night at the Rabbi's, one night with his family format. They are none too pleased about that, but here is my logic: had I been born jewish, or had my husband married a born-jew, they would have completly understood that one seder was with them, one was with his inlaws (ie my parents if they were jewish). So my jewish family is the Rabbi's house. They are the most welcoming, caring people and their oldest son is a good friend of my husbands', so there is a long history there. The fact that this huge family makes room for us at their table every year is beyond amazing, and I was quite heart-broken about having to miss it last year. So this year, we go back, and I can't wait!

To be fair, I should specify when I refer to the strifes with my in-laws that I am only referring to the two sisters who live here in town. there is an older sister who lives in a different city whom I absolutely adore. We have got along since day one, her kids are absolutele precious to me and we have actually worked out our respective wills to leave each other the care of our children. The fact that they are coming into town and staying with us for the first two days of the holidays is als thrilling me to bits.

Finally, just to give you a sense of what I'm talking about when I refer to the other 2 SILs, here is my take on the 4 questions, JAP style:

- Are those new diamonds?

- Why did you wear the Prada boots instead of the Gucci?

- Can you eat Matza on Atkins?

- Where's the nanny? The kids are hungry and need to be fed!

On an administrative note, I will try to post something tomorrow before we begin, but then you'll have to live without me til Wednesday night....

Anything to add? 0


2004-04-02 - 8:57 a.m.

I think I can put into words today why I was feeling blue yesterday... Belonging. For as long as I can remember, say back in elemantary school, I've always felt a little *out of it*, never truly belonging to a peer group.

I lived in the city when all my cousins lived in the country, but I spent everyweekend in the country skiing and sailing, while all my school friends stayed in the city and played together. So I had two sets of friends, but was only included in a small part of their activities and always felt left out of the best parties, the funniest stories.

I spent a year abroad after highschool, which was an unbelievable experience, but talk about not belonging: a French and English speaking big city girl on top of a German speaking mountain in Austria where there were less than 200 students at the high school!

We have prep college where I live, but again, my choices made me a bit of an outcast: French educated girl in an English speaking, largly jewish school. I made some friends there, a couple of whom are still very, very important to me today. We had a strong bond: we didn't really belong.

University was probably the first time I felt at home, because I was surrounded by other mistfits, over-educated, several-language speaking, un-fitting people!

And then, there is now. I'm French-Canadian. But I've never felt very connected to that part of my culture. I speak English 90% of the time. I only speak French to my parents. I don't even pronounce my name the French way, I swithed the last e for an a years ago and use the English pronounciation.

And I joined a big group. A tribe. I converted to judaism. But as much as I love it, I don't belong here either. People in my peer group are not observant. I'm not truly orthodox. I'm somewhere in the middle, more observant than most, not observant enough for the truly religious. I came from a middle class family and I worked since I was 14. My husband was truly fortunate and we are now in a very comfortable financial situation. But I can't bring myself to embrace that. I still look for savings, and shop at The Gap on the discount rack, not Ogilvie's or Holt Renfrew.

So on the one hand, I'm a middle class French Canadian girl with a strong work ethic, and on the other hand, I'm a well-to-do jewish woman with the ability to enjoy good things wihtout having to scrimp and save.

Unfortunately, there aren't too many of us around. I either feel guilty around my friends for not needing to wait til pay day to buy shoes. And I don't share my in-laws capacity and desire to shop everyday and buy only designer things.....

This wanting to belong is so irrational, I even feel sorry for not belonging to the cool, infertile chicks who blog. Well, I belong, 'cause I'm cool, infertile, and I blog. But when i read about the latest round of shots, the latest RE visit, I actually temporarily long to do this again, to feel part of the gang. Then I snap out of it, because I wouldn't want to go through that again, but still, it's just one other way I feel left out of what's going on around me....

I'll get over it. don't worry. I'll get excited about my new kitchen, or spend a Seder with the rabbi's family, where I feel totally at home, and I'll snap right out of this funk. And, g-d willing, our dumpling will arrive from China and I'll finally belong to the coolest gang of all, the mommies!!!!

Anything to add? 6

Empty tank

2004-03-31 - 2:52 p.m.

It's yucky and rainy out today, and I'm feeling a bit blue... I don't know why. I should be thrilled about the new house, getting to decorate and organize, starting the baby's room in a room large enough to hold furniture this time.

But for some reason, I'm blue and it's got nothing to do with the move, the house, the upcoming holiday. I just can't put my finger on it....

My Pretty Procrastinator is back! I have a ton of orders to unpack at the store, but I've only managed a couple of small ones so far. I have to do it, it's gotta get done soon so we can sell these new things, but I just can't get into it. I guess I used up all my energy last week getting the house ready for selling, now there is no gas left in my tank.

Anything to add? 1

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