Sharing a secret

2004-04-30 - 12:31 p.m.

After reading my own two entries yesterday, I decided that rather than feeling sorry for myself for things that others weren't doing for me, I would do the exact opposite and do something for someone else.

So I did something nice for someone who was having a really crappy day. It didn't really help solve her problematic situation, but I think it cheered her up. It was an easy thing to do, but it had a great effect. I felt really good about it for a few hours. And it took the focus of me, because sometimes, it's too easy to focus only inwards... I guess all those times Oprah told me to *pass it on* and do *random acts of kindness*, she was right. I should have listened sooner.

I'm going to let you in on a big, personal secret. Something I hadn't told ANYONE up until 2 days ago. I went to my doctor to fill in some presciptions for China, and I mentioned to her, in passing, that maybe my libido was a little low. OK, maybe, very low. All righty, I'll admit it, I really have no interest in it. Not for a while now. At first, I had thought it was becasue of all the crap that goes along with infertility, then I thought those drugs I was injecting into my body might have something to do with it. But the more I looked at it, the more I realised it seemed to have started before, sort of slowly... Anyway, I just didn't want to admit it to myself, let alone to someone else. But it's not just about me, is it. It's about my poor hubby too. So I took a deep breath and discussed it with her and you know what she said? "I'm not surprised". That's right, that what she said. She couldn't believe I hadn't mentioned it to anyone at the fertility clinic, or to her. Turns out, that since I present as pre-menopausal, with super high FSH, no regular ovulation, etc, etc, it's perfectly normal for me to not want to have sex.

Let me rephrase that. It's not normal, but it's normal given my pre-menopausal status. At 33 years old. So she's sending me to see a ObGyn that specialises in such issues, and lo and behold, I actuallly managed to get an appointment in a few weeks, which is amazing for the Quebec health care system!

Even as I type this, I feel like erasing it. This seems like crossing a line somehow. Too much information. But I have to admit it to myself so that I can move on and deal with it. And as we've proven with my sewing and packing, once I let you guys in on my secrets, I deal with them and get things done! Hopefully my hubby won't be too embarassed that I've shared this much.....

Anything to add? 6

the guilt of spending

2004-04-29 - 12:56 p.m.

You get a two for one today and you can blame it all on the < ahref="">Goddess' entry on the guilt associated to spending.

I live with that guilt everyday. My parents were middle class. I had a summer job when I was 14, was expected to pay for my own luxuries and gaz from the day I got my liscence and paid for my own living expenses when I moved out even though I was in school. 2 to 3 jobs at a time while in college to make ends meet, but I was proud to say I did it myself.

Then I married someone from a higher end of the financial stratosphere. Much higher. Details are not important, but we are "well to do" as my grandmother would say. We own a very nice house and just bought a nicer one. When I go to the mall, I don't have to think for a nanosecond of whether the credit card will go through or not. And trust me, I used to. I had my card declined plenty of times when I was on my own, working to pay the rent. But now, I don't have to. And I am so very grateful for that every time I purchase something, it's not even funny. Actually, it's sort of embarassing. I still will only buy things at the GAP is they are on sale, and even then, I check the really steep discount rack first. 80% of the baby's clothes are from Old Navy. We did buy a couple of "Fancy" outifts, but I just didn't see the need for 40$ pajamas.

But as the Goddess said, you gotta splurge on some things. So I have top of the line appliances and am re-doing the kitchen in the new house because that is a very important room to me. I buy Aveda Shampoo when Pert Plus would do just fine. I don't look at the price of shoes, ever. If I like them, I get them. BUt I refuse to pay $100 for a skirt I could make myself for $10. It's not unusual for me to walk down the street wearing fancy Camper shoes, a handmade skirt, and a top I got on a discount rack.

It would be easy for me to walk down to the fanciest shop in town and buy $80 tshirts and 700$ suits, but I couldn't live with the guilt. "Just becasue you have it doesn't mean you have to spend it!" My father used those words so many times when I was younger, I'm glad it stuck in there, somewhere.

And to Rachel, who was wondering if you could spend 50$ on bath bombs and buy Budget Living on the same day, I say: YES! ABSOULUTELY!

Anything to add? 5

a little ticked

2004-04-29 - 11:33 a.m.

They say everything changes when you have a baby.... I should have listened a little more!

The sewing is mostely done. I have to finalize the curtains, but even with all the careful measuring during the several visits we've made to the new house, I can't quite finish the curtains until I'm in the house, with the rods in the wall... But the bedding is finished, including two adorable "pocket pillows" with itty bitty teddys in the pockets... I totally stole the idea from a posh baby store that was selling them for $50 a piece. Mine were about 12$... and they match the bedding! I promise to show you pictures once we have the crib, because right now, it would just be piles of neatly folded fabrics. The quilt turned out really well. I wish I could have hand quilted it, but lets face it, she'll graduate high school before I get around to that!

All her clothes have been washed in Woolite (in case she as allergies), the kitchen knick-knacks (aka all those 50's collectibles) have been wrapped and packed, Hubby took care of all the moving related phone calls. We're on a roll! Dont' get me wrong, we are far from done, but we are getting there.

And now for the deeper, philosophical postion of our moment together..... I'm a little ticked. At my in-laws. No noe seems to be showing much interest in this new arrival. My mother in-law found out from my husband, but didn't see fit to call me personally to say anthing. My sister in laws were the same. I saw one of them in person, so she did congratulate me, but not a peep from the others. And you know their houses are full of baby stuff that they probably won't use again (they each have 4 kids already), but no one has offered to give us or lend us anything. And they know we are scambling like mad to get everything done in a very short period. So I'm ticked. But also, I'm ticked at myself for letting this get to me. After all, they are acting and reacting exactely like I expected they would. They've never been nice to me, so why should this be any different? But this is a little kid we're talking about. I hope they don't treat her like they treat me. I hope she gets invited to her cousins' birthday parties (we don't), I hope she grows up to feel like a complete part of this family. I'm doubtful, but I hope....

Anything to add? 7

Come on ladies, Light my fire

2004-04-27 - 8:24 p.m.

Funny how feeling accoutable to a bunch of friends in the computer had light a fire under my pretty procrastinator's butt! In the last 24 hours, I have sewn the bed skirt, the bumper pads (reversible with piping!!!) and the quilt (assembled yesterday, quilted today). I have just done a load of baby laundry for EVERYTHING we bought this weekend... Tonight, while watching TV, I will start reading my new book, "Adopting a Toddler: What size shoes does she wear?", which will hopefully help me answer the practical questions I've had. I still have one "attachment" book to read, but I think we've got that topic covered for now. We'll see how she reacts to us and take it from there. But the practical stuff is my priority right now.

When I was recapping my Toronto weekend, I forgot to mention something.... We went to see Hairspray the Musical, which I totally loved. I'm a big fan of musicals, and this one was right up there among my favorites. I bought the CD and the t-shirt. But the thing I wanted to mention is that the lead was played by Vanessa Oliveri of American Idol Season 2 fame. That was soooo weird! But she was awsome, really, she not only fit the part to a T, her voice was spectacular, I was quite pleased for her. Seems like a fun gig.

One more TV note before I pick up my book: Rocco. Or should I say, Bu-bye Drew, the Intern from Hell. That was possibly the most firing on tv, ever! Even better than Omarosa's!!!

Anything to add? 4

Knobs, knobs, knobs...

2004-04-26 - 5:00 p.m.

My apologies to residents of Toronto in the market for cute, retro knobs for their kitchen or children's rooms... there are none left. I know, it's my fault, I took them all! We bought so many knobs at Restauration Hardware, we actually had to mix two slightly different finishes to get enough for the new kitchen (38 small round ones and 18 handle types!!!). Then we bought a dozen vintage ceramic knobs for the baby's furniture. But the next day, at Knob Art, we found even cuter knobs and bought another set!!!

So we just got back a few hours ago, and the task ahead is truly daunting. We still have so much packing to do, I need to work on the bedding and curtains, I still want to paint the mural in the nursery as soon as we get the keys to the new house, and I can't even think about how much accounting I have to do for work.... They say you should add another or two to your regular sleeping the month before your fly to China to adopt.... It's likely to be minus 3 or 4 per night....

No more procrastinating, no more sitting around just watching TV. don't get me wrong, plenty of TV will be watched, but it will be while sewing or packing or doing accounting!

Anything to add? 2

baby on the brain, and in the wallet!

2004-04-24 - 6:01 p.m.

I'm not missing! I didn't forget you guys!

But this baby thing is out of control!!!! during the last 18 months, I bought nothing for this child. We bought 2 sweaters as souvenirs when we went to Argentina, and about 6 weeks ago we ordered the baby furniture, but that's it. I thought it would be too hard on me to have an empty nursery... boy I am regretting it now! I have less than a month to get ready for a toddler. I have to get EVERYTHING!

We did so much shopping today, it's not even beleivable. My hubby was an absolute trooper! I gurantee you most men would have given up halfway through.

We ordered a rug, bought knobs for the furniture, bought a couple cute things at Potter Barn (a soft doll house with furnishings, a fitted sheet, a patchwork stuffed dog) and the, we went to Old Navy.... I can honestly say I have never spent that much money at Old Navy! I bought a few pairs of shorts and t-shirts for myself to bring on the trip, but then we got lots of kiddy things: 8 pairs of socks, 5 pants, 5 tshirts, 5 tank tops, 3 dresses, a couple of onepiece summer outfits, a bathing suit(!!!!), some pjs.... We also hit baby Roots for a few pjs and finally Jamboree for 2 nice outfits. My husband loved picking stuff out for Dumpling. He was so funny, debating elephants over monkeys, lining up the hand-painted knows to see which ones he liked, picking one rug, then changing his mind after the bill was written up to pick a different one!!! I knew I would love baby shopping, but frankly, I think he's enjoying it a bit too much for my liking!!!

We also bought the knobs and lights for the kitchen at the new house... the car is packed with stuff right now!

See, we are in Toronto for the weekend. Toronto, the big bad city to the west... Where they have Restauration Hardware, Pottery Barn, Old Navy..... alll the amercian stores that we don't have in Montreal. So were packing it all in this weekend and getting as much shopping done as possible.

There are still so many things to get: high chair, car seat, toys... But at least now she has basic clothes for her trip and the first weeks home. Because I realize that when we return from China, shopping isn't going to be a priority. Getting her settled is going to take all our efforts, so we need to get as much as possible now. I hope she fits in the stuff we got!!!!

We'll be in TO til Monday, so don't expect too many updates til Monday night. There are still a few more stores to hit, including the much anticipated Praire Dog, purveyor of Naot shoes....

Anything to add? 4

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