motherhood panic

2004-04-17 - 3:17 p.m.

I bought the cutest little dresses yesterday! not many, just 3, but still, they are too cute! This is going to be so much fun!!!

Of course, this shopping is only masking the absolute panick that I have begun to feel... What do I know about raising children? She's going to be 15 months, significantly older than the books I had been reading about (I was thinking 8 to 10 months for some reason) so I'm really not sure about that particular stage in a toddlers life. She'll already have some understanding of Chinese, and I'll be speaking to her in French and my husband in English. Will that make her language development even more delayed? Should we reconsider this idea? I really don't want to. I want her to be as bilingual as I am, and I know my parents would be really hurt if she didn't speak French. It's bad enough she's going to be jewish and won't eat lots of stuff my mother would love to feed her, if she didn't speak French, I don't think they'd forgive me.

I've sort of put the packing issue to rest for now. It'll work out somehow. I'll wear the same clothes a lot (****shudder****) and I 'll just leave anything too dirty or smelly behind, to make room for souvenirs. We'll buy a 3rd bag when we get to Bejing, since a third bag is allowed on the return flight (a 4th one too for that matter!!!)

I guess all mothers go through the panic stages while they are pregnant. It's just sort of hitting me now. The general idea of motherhood doesn't scare me one bit, it's the little details: bath water temperature, nap times and bed times, feeding quantities....

I gotta get me another book!

Anything to add? 6

poor fashion sense???

2004-04-15 - 6:35 p.m.

So I must admit to watching Dateline's *serious* story last night on The Apprentice. Could NBC be doing any more cross-promotion??? But I became a slave to Mark Burnett long ago, so I watched last night, and had to hide my head in shame. During a walk-in-the-park shot of evil-incarnate Omarosa, she was weraing my favorite pink/brown strapless polka-dot evening dress! I couldn't beleive it! My lovely, pink-ribboned fairy dress on *HER*. What does that say about *my* fashion sense???

In other somewhat fashion related news, I have now confirmed that I can only take 1 suitcase with me to China and it can only weigh 40 lbs.... And that must include baby related items. Many people have told me that having a child would cure me of my overpacking, apparently, they were right! For a 2 week stay, I'm expected to bring only a couple of pairs of trousers, a couple of shorts, about 5 tops, one decent looking outfit for meetings with officials, undies, and *one pair of shoes*!!!! I don't go to a good party with only one pair of shoes! two weeks! There is no way I will stick to that part, simply because we are going in the rainy season, and I cannot stand having wet feet. So I will wear my Naots and bring a small pair of comfy shoes to change. But I need to stick to the rest to fit all the baby related stuff that needs to be brought.... Better get started right now!

Anything to add? 1

So many feelings

2004-04-14 - 9:16 p.m.

The saying goes "Ask and you shall receive". I asked for advice, and boy, am I getting some! Thank you all SOOOO Much!

The high is somewhat wearing off and reality is beginning to set in. First, I am experiencing an overwhelming sense of guilt. As I read my fellow bloggers' woes with infertility, it is very hard for me to be grateful our time has finally come. It feels like I am betraying my barren sisters. I know it's silly, since I would be overjoyed were this happening to anyone else in our little group, I just can't shake the guilt for feeling happy. To those of you still struggling, know that I am not abandoning you. I have walked your walk and I will always be there to listen to you, cry with you, and one day, rejoice with you.

The other reality is the dual projects of packing up and moving house by May 25th, and leaving for China as early as May 28th. The date of departure won't be determined until mid-May: you only find out 2 weeks before. I'm a planner, so this is very hard for me. But also, I gotta plan the move, make provisions for the store to be opened while we are away (how can I hire someone when I don't know when I need them to work?!?!?) and try to keep the dogs from going insane! Can you imagine their life? We'll be moving to a house 2 doors down, then we are going to leave them with their trainer for 2 weeks and when we return, we'll have a baby with us! I am getting ready for some major shoe-chewing!!

I know it's barely been 24 hours, but I already feel so much for this little child. How are they treating her? Is she eating well? How much as she grown since her pictures were taken? Will she walk before we get there or will be get to experience that with her? I am in love with a little girl in a picture. It doesn't seem possible, but I actually do feel like her mother...

Anything to add? 5

My first day in the Mommy club

2004-04-14 - 2:36 p.m.

Well, what a whirlwind the last hours have been. We spent last night writing emails and making phone calls. We haven't even managed to look up a map of China yet to see where our little girl is!!!!

I slept through the night for the first time since hearing about her upcoming referral last Wednesday.

My parents, who are first time grandparents, are of course, overjoyed. My mother was a little disapointed that we changed her middle name from Jade (which had been our original idea), to Qin, to incorporate her chineese name. Qin is actually her last name, but since it was given to her by the orphanage (denotes where she is from) and it sounded better than XXX-Liang, we really liked the idea of her having her "provenance" included in her name, and XXX-Qin (pronounced Quinn) just sounded so nice!

Right now, looks like we'll be picking her up in early June. It will either be 3 to 4 days after moving, or two weeks later. I'm probably the first mom in international adoption history praying for the later date, because 3 days after the move is a bit too tight for my liking!!!! But we'll manage somehow. As long as her room is unpacked and I can pay someone to unpack the kitchen while we are away, the rest can wait til out return.

There is so much to do!!! Any one with any tips on 15 month toddlers, please send it!!! What do 15 month olds eat? Solids? Walking? Talking? I know she'll be a bit behind because of her time in the orphanage, but I'm told they catch up really quickly and that sometimes the difference is like night and day between your arrival and your departure from China.

I will try to respond to all the emails and comments individually, but for now, let me just day a big, huge THANK YOU to everyone for your good wishes!

Anything to add? 7

Wait! We have a Dumpling!

2004-04-13 - 9:23 p.m.

Somehow, G-d took pity on us tonight, and at one minute before 6:00 PM, THE CALL came....

J. and I are overjoyed, thrilled beyond belief, to introduce our daughter, Dumpling, who was born Qin Li Liang in Hepu, Guangxi, China, on March 21, 2003.

I haven't quite come down from the clouds, even though it's been 3 hours. All I'll say for now is that we drove like mad to go pick up her pictures, which has thankfully been left at the security desk of the agency's building.

I promise to write lots more tomorrow, but there are many phone calls to be made!

Anything to add? 29

no call today

2004-04-13 - 3:45 p.m.

well, it's 3:45 now, the call obviously will not come today. This feels like the day they told us there were no viable embryos, or the time we had that one embryo, but the Beta numbers were no good.... I got my hopes up too high. I know the call might come tomorrow or the day after, but right now, that's no comfort. It didn't come today and I've just hit the skids....

After 18 months of NOT getting excited ever about this adoption process, this is very hard.....

Anything to add? 5

A watched pot never boils

2004-04-13 - 11:35 a.m.

like a teenaer waiting for a boy to call, I've checked the phone line several times. I also called the adoption agency, who giggled and told me to call my resource person. I called my resource person, who's phone went to voice mail on the first ring (perhaps she was on the other line making calls to other families).

I've read all my favorite blogs, tidied up my desk and played at least 35 games of JT' Blocks.....

I seriously must begin thinking that the call will not come today.... I know there are still plenty of hours, but I must prepare myself for the possibility....

Anything to add? 2

Waiting to exhale

2004-04-12 - 9:25 a.m.

This had to be the longest holiday weekend in history! I'm running out of ideas to keep my mind occupied and off the long-awaited phone call....

Part of the baby shopping is done, mostly small things that need to be brought on the trip. I did buy a few complementary fabrics for the quilt and bedding I want to make. I gotta get working on that, but depending on the timing, I might actually wait til our return and just get a cheap one at first.

I started packing up some of the books and magazines at home, to make the move easier, and later today, I will go to work to unpack some order that I have been ignoring for too long.

It's all time filler folks! Don't be fooled, I havent' stopped thinking about it for one second! The phone just rang a few minutes ago with "unknown caller" and for a brief second, I actually thought the agency had decided to put people out of their misery and make calls on this holiday Monday. Nope. Just my mom on her cell phone.... My biggest fear is that for some reason, we won't be in tomorrow's batch of referrals. It could happen. I'm not prepared for that. In the almost two years since we started this process, I have never allowed myself to think it was actually happening. But now, I want this more than anything, and I can't think of what will happen if we don't get the call....

Anything to add? 3

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