the power of pink

2003-03-25 - 10:14 a.m.

I had a pink bedroom when I was little, for 2 years while we lived in Quebec city. Then we moved and I didn't have anything else pink, ever. I didn't dislike pink, I had no problem with pink, I just didn't pick it as a color for anything. No pink curtains, no pink dresses, no pink.

I did wear a retro-inspired hot-pink prom dress in grade 10, when I accompanied a ski-buddy to his grad. But that was a totally "Molly-Ringwald-Pretty-in-Pink" moment, and had I not been trying to impress the public school boys, I wouldn't have worn that dress.

I was a navy blue girl. In college, when everyone was wearing black everything, I wore navy. When I started my carreer, I did expand to chocolate brown and heather grey, but I was a dark, basics kinda girl.

Then something happened last spring. I lost a lot of weight and I had to buy an entirely new wardrobe for my honeymoon. The first sign of my new pink obsession was the outfit I wore to synagogue the day before my wedding. A bias-cut pink plaid dress with a dark rose sweater. My honeymoon packing showed other signs of my new-found love for pink: a pink hat, a dark pink sundress and a cotton hooded sweater in the lightest shade of baby pink. During our trip, I bought 2 skirts, both were cream or beige, one with lots of little pink and red flowers, the other with an ethnic-looking pink pattern.

It's not until I got back from honeymoon and put my clothes away in my newly-emptied closet that I noticed there seemed to be lots of pink... A few months later, I visited my best friend K in Vancouver and bought this totally rocker-chick corduroy hot pink cowboy shirt. I thought I bought it because it made me look like Sheryl Crow, now I think I bought it because of the color.

I've come to terms with my new love. I don't know where it came from. Why did I suddenly fall in love with pink, at the age of 32? Is it because I now wear a size 8 and feel better about myself? Maybe, but I never let my weight dictate my look, so I'm not sure that's the answer. I just enjoy pink. Actually, a better answer is found on a baby-T I bought in New York after seing the musical "Flower Drum Song": I enjoy being a girl. The shirt is from one of the songs in the musical. I love the shirt. Everytime I wear it, someone comments on it. It's a plain little baby-T, with the title of the song written in small letters across the front, but everyone notices it.

On the same trip to New York, I went gaga over the Gap's new pink rain coat. I walked all over Manhattan to find a pink in medium, to no avail. Luckily for me, spring comes much later here and I jumped on it the day it arrived at the downtown Gap. It's been in the closet for 2 months waiting for the snow to melt and the weather to warm up. Since last Thursday, I've worn it everyday. When I was totally bummed out this weekend about the whole ovary thing, I ordered some pink mules from Browns (they should arrive this week).

So I'll do laundry tonight and wash my pink tee so I can wear it tomorrow to the hospital. I know they won't let me wear it during the procedure, but I'll put it back on right after and hope that it'll make me feel better while I wait to go home. And when I do get home, I'll put on my pink striped pajama pants and spend the day on the couch. Maybe I should go to the video store and look for the "Pretty in Pink" DVD....

Anything to add? 2

Crusing on auto-pilot

2003-03-24 - 12:19 p.m.

Scan number god-knows-what this morning, revealed that 4 follicules are pretty much ready to harvest, and 3 more not quite yet. Well, it doesn't really matter anymore. We're going ahead with the retrieval on Wednesday, along with J's aspiration.

From there, who knows? Will the embryos fertilize? Will we have enough to test? We didn't discuss any of it this morning, the doctors were all in with patients having their own retrievals. I guess they'll go through all the options on wednesday.

I don't have such a sense of loss or sadness today. I'm just numb. I don't want to feel anything. I just want to get through with it on Wednesday and take it from there.... It's auto-pilot mode until then.

24 is back on tonight, well, that was the plan anyways, who knows with the war coverage.... I hope it's back 'cause I need the distraction.

I promise better writing in the days to come, I just don't have it in me today, Sorry.

Anything to add? 2

is it rock bottom yet?

2003-03-23 - 4:07 p.m.

I feel completely drained.... I've been moping around since Friday, feeling totally sorry for myself. In the grand scheme of things, with war raging on, a non-functioning right ovary is nothing.

But in my life, it's taken on gigantic proportions.... I can't shake this nasty feeling that no matter how many times we try, pregnancy is just not in my future. What I'm really afraid of though is that motherhood in general is slowly slipping from my fingers.

I've never had a clear picture of my future. I'm easy going that way. Jobs were not crucial, money, house, locations, etc, all these were quite fuzzy in the mental image of my future, but the one part that was always crystal clear was marriage and children. I know I should count my blessings. I have a terrific husband. We have a life that most people dream about. But I just can't picture the future without kids.

J had been great at giving me some space over the last few days. I just want to veg. I saw two movies this weekend, plus a few more on tv, along with a hefty dose of home-improvement shows. Thank goodness for cable shows. I know it's a terrible selfish thing to say, but this war couldn't have come at a worse time. I need bad tv. I can't look at the war coverage. I'm already near tears, I don't need to feel worse...

Anything to add? 0

Falling Down Blue

2003-03-21 - 10:36 a.m.

I had another ultra-sound this morning.... Not good news. The right ovary is definately not participating in this effort.... The left one went from 7 follicules to 5 (where did the other 2 go???)

So we have 2 options: Scrap the whole thing and try again in a few months with stronger doses of hormones, or keep going, freeze the embryos, do the whole thing again in a few months and combine all the embryos before having them tested. Seems like a total waist to forget about these 5, so we will go ahead with the retrieval next week.

But I am totally, totally bummed out right now. I feel like the big guy in the sky is playing with my mind.... First, my husband has this nasty disease that will eventually take him away from me. Then, I'm a carrier of said disease wich means we have a 50/50 chance of passing it on to our children (IF we can have any). The bureaucrats gave us a terrible time about our plan to adopt in China. And now we finally find a doctor that has the right technology to not only operate my husband, but also test the embryos for afore-mentioned disease and now MY BODY is not working..... Couldn't just one thing go our way for once....

I'm not kidding myself, I know that even if we had 10 perfect, grade A embryos, the chances of having 3 that are disease free are pretty low, and then implating those 3 and getting pregnant is also a very long shot. But that exactely why I would hope that the Big Guy would cooperate and at least let us have the 10 embryos...

If each of these things is a slap in the face, then I feel like I'm falling down blue...

Anything to add? 0

happy thoughts for a crappy day

2003-03-20 - 2:09 p.m.

Thoughts to make me happy on such a crappy day:

- I enjoy being a girl

- My husband doesn't drink any hot beverages

- My superhero powers

- Roller skating with my friends after school when I was little

- My dog's wet nose behind my ear when I wake up in the morning

Anything to add? 0

Retro Comfort

2003-03-20 - 12:35 p.m.

It's Retro Day today!

I love Retro. It's comforting.... I don't know how I feel about this war... My husband is a big supporter of it. I know we can't leave Sadaam in power, but I'm not sure this war is the answer... Enough of that topic, I don't know enough to write about it.

What I do know lots about it Survivor... I was glued to the screen last night to see what would happen. I was glad to see Shawna go, that rapid turn-around in her health when the boys joined the team really grated on my nerves. The only thing that would have made me happier would have been to see Heidi go. But you know what was weird... This morning, I kept peeking at the CBS morning show (I'm an NBC girl), to see if they would have her on... Duh! War has begun. Of course they won't have the latest Survivor booted off... But I kept checking, just in case... That is so lame on my part.

So the hormone train continues. I still can't quite wrap my brain around the fact that my right ovary is not participating in this adventure... How could it just not produce eggs? I'm only 32... When did 32 become overy retirement age??? A friend of mine is 37 and just got pregnant totally naturally, without trying in fact... Totally unfair....

Tomorrow morning, I have to go for one more ultrasound, and then our case will be discussed at the "Friday Meetings". They'll let us know Friday afternoon if everything is a go and on what day. I know J is very nervous. He hasn't been sleeping well and keeps making jokes about the surgery, which I know means he's nervous. I'm not too worried about the actual procedure, I don't expect it to be too painful. But I'm worried about afterwards. How will I be able to cope for 2 weeks while waiting for the pregnancy test? Will I be totally shattered if it doesn't work?

Anything to add? 0

right ovary on early retirement and other misadventures of the past 5 days

2003-03-19 - 10:04 a.m.

Wow, 5 days without blogging.... It's been a crazy 5 days....

Saturday started out with a funeral for my best friend K's grandmother. This would not normally rate very high on my social calendar, having not seen the lady since high school, but since K moved all the way to Vancouver, we have to carve out whatever time we can to see each other and as cliche as it sounds, weddings and funerals are it for us (2 of each in the last 4 years)

Sunday I was supposed to work half the day, but the hormones got the better of me and my dear hubby was kind enough to do the whole day by himself so I could rest. I vegged, watched bad tv and quilted a bit.

Monday was our day off, but my short term memory is completely shot thanks to the injections and I cannot remember what we did.

Yesterday morning, I had my second ultra-sound of this cycle, to verify the rate at which the follicules are growing and to count the eggs... Mucho bad news: my right ovary is retired. Nothing happening. Maybe they see 1 small egg, but considering the heavy dosage of hormones I'm on, this is not what they expected.... The left one is doing seemingly well, with 6 or 7 growing at a good rate, but since we are aiming to retrieve more than 10, this is not good news.

They took a blood test, sent me home and told me they would call me around noon. At 11:59, the nurse called. They really take their stuff seriously! When have you ever gotten blood test results in such a timely fashion!!! So the doctor on call that day (never met her), added a THIRD medication to my protocol, it's called Luveris (Lhadi). It says on the box its: "Investigational Drug / To be used by qualified investigators only". I hope they mean the doctors and not me, because I am certainly not qualified.

The good part is it's completely free. The weird part is, I just took it. I didn't ask any questions, I didn't do research, I just learned how to reconstitute it (its a powder and you have to mix it yourself in the seringe), took it home and injected it. That's pretty weird for me. I like to find out about stuff, to read and then make up my mind. But when they told me we didn't have lots of eggs and that half my reproductive system had taken early retirement, I just nodded and agreed to take whatever they felt would help.

So that was enough of a bummer for the day, except it was only the beginning. We were going to friends to have an early dinner to celebrate Purim. 5 minutes into the soup, I noticed J was quite red. About 2 minutes later he told me he tought he was going to pass out. He was white as a sheet. We helped him to the couch, where he started sweating and his pulse was racing like mad. After a brief discussion, we put him in the car and I took him to the emergency room, where he proceeded to get better, look quite normal, and spend 4 hours waiting to be sent home!

They're not sure what happened, probably just needed to eat something, but when you have the underlying issue of Cystic Fibrosis, you can't take a chance.

The poor dog was alone during that whole thing (he's not used to being alone so long), so when we got home, I gave him a special treat: a big bone I bought for him at the pet store. He chomped on it happily, until 7:00 am this morning, when he puked up most of it in the corner of our bedroom!!!! At least he had the decency to wait until the sun was up!

So now I have to do 4 shots every morning (my stomach is full of needle marks and small bruises... I don't know heroine addicts, but I'm sure that's what they look like when they first start!), it takes about 10 mintues to get everything ready, sterile, reconstituted, measured, injected and properly disposed of... Who knew grade 9 chemistry would come in handy 20 years later!!!!

Anything to add? 2

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