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COMMENTS:
grlenamored - 2004-07-22 14:36:21
y'know, when i first read what the doctor was saying i thought "what a quack" but i guess you don't stop to think about how weird it must be for children to be brought over here. you assume they're babies and don't know any better, but i'm sure there is still a lot of uncertainty involved and she is probably really testing the waters to see what she has to do to get you to react the way she wants you to. i imagine some of what he'll say will be general parental guidance, like not putting her in bed with you if she cries etc. it's definitely an interesting perspective though to hear what he reads into things.
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gussiegoose - 2004-07-22 14:45:13
I want to know more about your visit to the Dr. what are the titles of his books. His tips on attachment...more. I'm always second guessing how Goose is bonding.
As far as TV. I am an addict of TAR too. Yeah for the Dad. I so wanted them to beat the brothers. I think of Goose and her Daddy someday. (H happens to be a helicopter pilot too.)
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gussiegoose - 2004-07-22 14:49:55
I'm sorry that last comment was all about me. I'm totally self absorbed...
I really feel for you thinking it was going well then being hit in the face. But at least you know and won't be blindsided. I'm pulling for you.
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Short North Mama - 2004-07-22 15:43:48
I am curious about his reasoning for not bringing your daughter into your room at night. Did he explain the logic?
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kelli - 2004-07-22 15:53:47
(Warning: a My Friend Adopted story coming) Here's my non-expert 2 Lincolns worth: My friend adopted in February from Russia. At first, her son was very serious, but curious and observing. Now, he is a toddling little goofball. It has been inspiring to see what a little clown he has become. Hang in there and don't be too hard on yourself! You MUST be doing something right if she is laughing and snuggling. Don't you think that maybe you know her a little better than the doctor? He may be a professional, but you are her mother.
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kelli - 2004-07-22 17:40:12
As Trixie Belden would say, "Jeepers!" Did you get my message? I didn't think they were going through. I am so sorry for the multiple posts! Are you going to kick me out of your blog now?
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Jennye - 2004-07-22 20:29:50
I also am kind of surprised to hear about the bringing her into your room at night thing. Is he generally against cosleeping or is this just something he recommends because of attachment issues in international adoption that aren't obvious at first? That might be a question to ask him. If he opposes cosleeping in general, then of course he would advise against it. Just wondering since it has worked so well for us and for international adoptive parents we know as well. (Of course both adopted from Russia, so perhaps there are different issues involved?)
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brooklynmama - 2004-07-22 22:42:46
I'd recommend checking out Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today's Parents by Deborah D. Gray. It has a lot of useful suggestions.
I am also surprised about the nighttime comforting advice. I am wondering - when you bring her into your bed at night, does she settle in and relax into you and go back to sleep? Just curious. Ping didn't feel very settled when she was in our bed, and was quite happy and able to sleep through the night in her crib. I was open to cosleeping, if it seemed as though she wanted/needed it, but it honestly didn't.
What I have done, and what I highly recommend if your back can stand it, is use a sling. Now you know if you read my blog that I'm not an ardent advocate of attachment parenting :) but I am absolutely all for using a sling. Ping is very much attached to both me and my husband, and I really feel like carrying her has helped with that. Of course, it's much more complicated than just that - Ping's orphanage seemed to be a very good one, and I think that helped A LOT. But, you know, email me if you want to discuss more of this stuff - we really worked hard to facilitate good attachment in those early weeks/months, and we have a very attached baby now.
I was very interested to read what the doctor's tests and thoughts were. Very interesting. Did he give you lots of other suggestions to help with attachment?
Hang in there and good luck - it's a tricky time.
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Jenn - 2004-07-23 07:22:55
I read with interest your story- and the comments above. My friend is adopting from China and is interested in attachment advice. I'll definitely be recommending the book suggested above.
It's amazing the worries our kids can give us...lucky for them that they're so darned cute! :)
PS- I completely agree with you regarding the Terror in the Skies II. story.
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grlenamored - 2004-07-23 09:19:34
i'm surprised at how many people are surprised about not bringing her into your room at night. i thought this was a common "how to raise a baby" thing. isn't the theory "don't do it as babies and they won't do it when they're 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 16"? made perfect sense to me...
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virginia - 2004-07-23 15:04:03
thanks for all the comments guys! The doctor is Docteur Jean-Fran�ois Chicoine. I don't know if any of this books have been translated in English. He's highly regarded as THE Quebec adotpion doctor. He's not opposed to co-sleeping in general, it depends on the child's temperament, age and adotpion story. He felt that the Dumpling is quite manipultive in her own way and that we felt was bonding was in fact just need-based attachment. I'm not saying he knows her better than me. No way. but that little experiment he did scared me shitless. I thought for sure she would come to me. She didn't even look in my direction, she was just frozen, just like the first 2 weeks in China. So in 30 seconds, he was able to show me how she's really not as far along as I thought.
In the end, she slept right through the night last night!
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