2003-12-12 - 10:35 a.m.

Getting back to normal, I guess. But not really. I watched Survivor, then stayed glued to the couch for CSI and Without a Trace, so that's fairly normal behaviour for me.

I stayed at work for the whole day and came back again today, but I'm not into it at all. I even managed some holiday shopping last night for my non-jewish relatives, but the usual pleasure of finding the right tacky soap-on-a-rope just wasn't there....

Tonight, I will attempt my first act of sociability: a movie with my hubby and our friends who are getting married in 2 weeks. I don't really care that it's on Friday night, G-d will just have to understand. I figured a movie, two hours in the dark, without talking, I would be able to handle.

Tomorrow morning however, I must put on a brave face and go to synagyogue for same couple's auf-roof. I really don't want to go, but she is also a convert and will not have anyone there with her. I know how much it means to her, so I will go. But that's it for me for the weekend, I will then go back to hibernating. Plus, I still have to sew all those pajamas before next Friday.... It's one think to tell adults I don't want to do something 'cause I feel blue, but I can't bear to think of all those little kids' faces if they come for their Hanakah party and I didn't make their pajamas....

Anything to add? 5

2003-12-11 - 10:22 a.m.

it's thrusday morning and I'm attempting to rejoin the living.... After 4 days in sweat-pants, sitting on the couch watching all manners of mind-numbing garbage on tv, I am back at work this morning. Not feeling to chipper, but none-the-less, I'm here.

It still feels like it's happening to someone else... We had an appointment with the big head doctor on tuesday, who proceeded to explain everything to us. I was all prepared to hate him and give him a piece of my mind, but when he started explaining everything, it made so much sense, I just understood why they had pushed so far, why they had to give us hope when really there was very little.

The irony of all ironies is this: I cannot hyper-ovulate and respond to IVF treatment, however, I still ovulate naturally on a fairly regular basis. So with any other man, I would probably have a chance of getting pregnant naturally or with artificial insemination. And my husband's sperm is not motile, but with any other woman, he could have a child through IVF. So I can probably have a child and my husband can definately have children, we just can't do it together.

There will be a time to think of sperm or egg donors, but now is not the time. It's too much to think about, plus we had decided a long time ago that it was both of us or neither. Obviously, this was before we knew what we know now, and maybe in the future it will be easier to consider the options, but not now.

I would like to say THANK YOU. To all of you who have commented or emailed. It's puzzling to me how it's easier for "strangers" to be supportive than the people around you who actually supposedly care aobut you. I give my mother a free pass on this right now because of her own crap going on, but where are my so-called friends during this? I've called them and told them what's happened, yet no one has checked up on me. One left a message on my machine. that's it. No calls from hubby's numerous relatives, except for one sister, but she wanted to ask about my mom, not me.

As for my hubby and me, it's still rough. We are both walking on egg shells. He was hurt by my "drifting apart" comment a few days ago. I tried to tell him it wasn't in anyway a criticism of him, just a comment on the situation, but he was still hurt. He doesn't really know how to make me feel better. Frankly, I don't know either....

Anything to add? 3

2003-12-07 - 11:36 a.m.

Dec 6th is my dad's birthday. In 1989, it forever became attached to the University of Montreal Massacre, when a nut murdered 14 students. Then, 2 years ago, December 6th 2001 changed again in my mind: I went to the mikvah that day and officially became jewish. It should have been a positive association for the rest of my life.

Except now, december 6th 2003 will forever be remembered as the day I officially became barren. Infertile.

That's right, after 19 days of excruitiating hormones, some doctor I had never met before walked in, very calmly and politely explained where we were at (although he never introduced himself), measured my follicules (it shouldn't be plural, there was really only one to measure) and pronounced the cycle over. Done. I cannot have kids. Not with my own eggs at any rate.

I feel spent, drained, empty, cheated, sad, bitter, angry.

I made my husband take me to lunch (not kosher), shopping, dinner (again not kosher), and watched tv all day, on Shabbat. I am mad at G-d. I don't know why or how *He* thinks I'm supposed to deal with this. Some would say I should have sought refuge at Schul, but I couln't bear it. I neede to let *Him* know I was mad.

Then, Sex and the City, being behind in Canada, aired the Charlotte Miscarrage episode, and just when I had managed to stop crying for more than an hour, I started again. It was very hard to watch, yet I knew exactely how she felt. No, I didn't get pregnant, but 3 full cycles of IVF is just as bad a loss.

I tried to put on a brave face this morning, took the dogs to the mountain to play in the lovely fresh fluffy snow, but inside, I was aching.

I'm at work now, and as much as I want to rack up those holiday sales, I secretly hope nobody walks in so I don't have to talk to anyone.

My poor mom, who is dealing with her own crap right now, is having us over for dinner for my dad's b-day. How we are all going to sit there and pretend she doesn't have cancer and I won't give her grandkids is beyond me. (never mind adoption, I know that will probably work out, but it's not comfort right now).

Thankfully, our old employee unfortunately got laid off, so she agreed to come work Tuesday and Wednesday, to give us both a much needed break. We are at the end of our respective ropes. Never mind being there for each other, right now, my husband and I can barely speak and be in the same room. He's helpless to make me feel better, I feel lost and inadequate, and we're drifting apart.

Anything to add? 10

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