2003-11-30 - 2:37 p.m.

I had scans (let's call them what they are: intra-vaginal ultra-sounds....) Monday, Wednesday and Friday. But that wasn'te enough people! Just to make sure the little follicules keep going and in case they actually get close to 18 mmm, they asked me to go in for one more scan on Saturday morning! That' right, 4 in a week! I should just wear nothing under my skirt so I can be ready a moments' notice....

At least the doctor I like was there to do it herself.... that poor woman works on weekends too....

We had a nice dinner last night with the girl who used to work for us at the store. She and her b-friend had us over to their new apartment, very sweet of them. I felt a bit under the weather, but I know she was really looking forward to it, so we went, and I'm glad we did.

Hubby's half-sister is staying iwth us for a few days, in town from Florida. His Florida relatives had to fly in a the last minute for the funeral of a great-uncle. My hubby doens't know his half-sibilings very well, distance and weirdness having prevented them from getting to know each other. But I got to talk to her quite a bit this morning and I like her. She's a really nice girl.

Unfortunately, we started our Sunday morning with a funeral, but you can always count on a jewish funeral to be on time and quite short. I skipped the cemetary part, having only met the man once for about 2 minutes, at my wedding....

So, in the week to come, I have another scan scheduled for Monday, and then we'll see what will happen. I also have to open the annual Hanukah pajama factory (I make flannel pjs for all the nieces and nephews... all 14 of them!), gotta clean up my craft room and start cooking for Hanukah dinner and another holiday party.... buzy bee!

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2003-11-28 - 1:06 p.m.

we had a scan this morning... there wasn't much progress, but the 4 remaining follicules, 2 on each side, did grow a bit. We talked it out with the nice doctor that I like and decided to keep going til Monday and review again then. If they keep growing, we will eventually be able to harvest the eggs. If they stop growing, we'll stop the cycle. But as long as they keep getting bigger.....

The one negative thing is that my estrogen level is pretty low. It was around 400 last Monday, then down to 300 on Wednesday. First of all, it should not have gone down, second of all, both previous cycle,s ti was between 800 and 1000.... so that doesn't bode too well, but still, we keep hoping.

On a completely different topic: Jon's dead grandmother Oh my god! that has to be the dirtiest trick in Survivor history! I guess there is no rule against it, but I don't know how Jeff was able to keep a straight face during the tribal council..... I cannot wait to see what happens next!

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2003-11-26 - 4:43 p.m.

Anyone got ovaries they'd like to donate? We could e the world's first ovary transplants..... 'Cause mine don't work for shit.

I'm currenlyt at the maximum dose of 300IU daily of pergonal AND gonal-f, yet on day 7 of this cycle, I've barely got 4 folicules growing, and they are barely 9 mm each. LAst time, I had 7and they were all above 12, so this doesn't bode very well. Not well at all. So bad in fact, that I'm taking the hormones for 2 more days, having one more scan on Friday and if there is not so significant jump in the quantity or size of the follicules, we will stop the cycle. There would be no point to continue, the likelyhood that we would get any viable eggs would be too low.

I inquired about the possibility of stopping and then trying one more time. The only glimmer of hope the doctor would give me is that given that I have a very high FSH level (which is causing the problems), we could check my level every month and if it's lower than normal one month,we would do a cycle. But it was a very small glimmer, considering my FSH keeps going up everytime we measure it.

So I'm reserving a final opinion until Friday, but I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that I will not be able to have a biological child. It sucks. I'm only 33. I really don't think that sooo old. But there is nothing more I can do.

And I certainly don't feel like being out in public right now, but that's exactely what I'm going to do tonight. Put on a fake smile and attend a kosher-food fest/fundraiser. At least I won't have to cook, and there is bound to be booze there....

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2003-11-25 - 11:21 a.m.

Trust me when I tell you this: NOTHING you see on reality television is real. NOTHING! Not even documentaries.....

They came to film our scan yesterday, and then came to our house to interview us. Filming the scan took over an hour. The scan itself is about 3 minutes. But they kept asking the doctor to repeat what she said, do it over from a different angle, pretend to point at the chart, explain it to me again for the 5tht time!!! The doctor was really loosing her patience and I really wished I had pants on!

Then they filmed the blood test. Thankfully they got it on the first try! but they did make us walk into the room with the nurse about 8 times. We also had to walk to the pharmacy several times and pretend to listen to the pharmacist give us the side effects of the hormones. Hello! This is my 3rd cycle, I'm familiar with the side effects!!!

At our house, they wanted "beauty shots" of my husband leading a normal productive life... So we walked the dogs in the park. Over, and over again. Walk this way. Walk back and do it again. PRetend to talk to each other. "Skip and jump if you want" I'm not kidding you! I do no skip and jump when I walk the dogs with my husband!!! I was getting impatient and I needed to go home to do my shots, so finally, I told them I had a time limit on when I could take my shots and I had to go home. They wanted to film the shots too. I told the guy before I started: this is a one shot deal. I cannot do this over. He was pretty good about it. He did stop me a couple of times to get different angles and close ups, but he pretty much let me do it the way I normally would.

Then we started the interview.... If you ever see this documentary, let me tell you, this is not how my living room is laid out! The chairs arent' ususally in the middle of the room with no coffee table, there is not usually a table with flowers next to the fireplace (they actually gave us flowers to thank us for participating, then used them for a background... how clever!) and we do not ususally have the fireplace going on the warmest novemeber day in record! It was 79 degrees in our living room! With 5 crew members and the dogs!

The questions were straight forward and the responses were genuine, but the whole set up was fake. I actually really like the women doing the piece and I'm sure it will turn out wonderfully, but it will certainly give me something to think about next time I watch a documentary....

As for me, I'm doing all right. The fatigue has set in. And we didn't get very good news at teh scan. Only 2, maybe 3 follicules on teh right side, and 3, maybe 4 on the left. LAst time, we had a total of 12. And they are much, much smaller this time, all between 4 and 6 mm, last time, I had one at 12 and most were at 9 to 10 mm by day 5. So they upped the hormones to 300 IU each of Pergonal and Gonal-F. And I go back tomorrow for another scan.

In TV news, David picked Linda..... Who first left the show, then begged to come back. Then didn't show up for the last ceremony, but had a second change of heart and showed up in TExas, on a ranch they gave him for winning her heart, since they told him at the beginning he wouldn't get any *money*...... I cannot believe I actually watched this! Must be the hormones.....

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