it's a no go.

2003-07-11 - 11:03 a.m.

It didn't work. I'm not pregnant. What I am, is absolutely devastated. Spent. Depressed.

I tried very, very hard not to get my hopes up, to convince myself it wasn't going to work so it wouldn't be so hard to take, but nothing prepares you for that news. Especially because of what else it means: I'll probably never get pregnant. We can't keep spending everything we have on these futile attempts. The reality is, I'm 33 and pre-menaposal. My hormone levels have been indicating that since the prelim tests back in January. We had harldy any eggs both times around. It's not gonna happen. Not now, probably not ever.

And I don't want to hear a thousand people telling me things happen for a reason, G-d has some mysterious plan, adoption will work out. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! I want space to grieve, to lash out, to be angry.

The irony of course is that the contruction has FINALLY begun on our basement family room, which will be of absolutely no use to us now. The dog will have the nicest basement a dog has ever had!

Some of you tried to comment yesterday and for some reason the comment function was kaput. Not sure why, it's always worked with the Gold membership before, but I didn't feel like trying to figure it out, so I upgraded to SuperGold and comments should be back at some point today.

Anything to add? 10

pretty thoughts, pretty shoes

2003-07-10 - 10:51 a.m.

Only Pretty Thoughts are allowed today. Somehow, I must get through the next 24 hours without loosing my mind..... We take the test at 8:00 am, should have the results a few hours later.

So here are some pretty thoughts. If these are not the pretties shoes you have ever seen, then you have seen some really pretty shoes in your day!

And how great will they look with this skirt???

That is what I will be wearing tomorrow morning, hoping all the prettiness brings me luck, or a least cheers me up if the news is not good.

I could wear the outfit with a black t-shirt, but it might be a bit Flamenco-much, so I think I will go with a cute pink t-shirt, which will bring out the pink in the flowers and tone down the black and red effect. Can you believe how long I can go on about one outfit? Does that give you a little insight in what my husband has to deal with these days?

I'm a total nut job right now. LAst night, I was feeling very very stressed, so I decided to draw a bath (not too hot, I know, don't want to boil those maybe-embryos!) and take my new book (Bare Bones, Kathy Reichs) with me to relax. It took longer to draw the bath than the time I actually spent in it. I got in, light a candle, grabbed my book, read 3 pages, and couldn't stand being in the tub anymore. I was hot, I was restless, I wanted out! It wasn't the book, 'cause I went on to read 2 chapters while lying on top of the bed, but I just couldn't stand the tub!

Then I watched BB4. Still not too sure I like anyone in there yet, but that's not a reason not to watch, now is it? I read for another half hour and called it a night because my eyes were actually heavy. I did sleep for a couple of hours, but then I started having very disturbing dreams about our upcoming test. I tossed and turned the rest of the night.

For soem reason, everyone in our lives thought the test was yesterday, 'cause they all called last night to find out why we hadn't called them. A) the test is Friday. B) If we don't call you after the test, you can guess what the results are and that we are too bummed out to talk. So don't you all go calling on Friday afternoon people! We'll call you if it's good news, give us space and time if it's bad!

I'm starving, didn't have breakfast, must rummage something to eat.....

Anything to add? 2

pretty shoes and frozen banana leaves

2003-07-09 - 1:57 p.m.

I went on a hunt for Thai ingredients this morning to use my new Thai cookbook. I found frozen banana leaves for 99 cents a pack. Unfortunately, they ended up costing 200$.... the Chinese grocers was located near a fancy shoe store that sold the prettiest new Camper shoes with embroidered roses. I've been scanning the net for 20 minutes trying to find a picture, to no avail. I will take my own picture and post it tomorrow. They are the PRETTIEST shoes I've ever seen, and they match this rose embroidered skirt I got a few weeks back. I will wear them Friday morning and hope the prettiness brings me luck at our test.

Canadian Idol Recap: I picked 2 out of 3, I'm a little surprised Andrew Leader was 4th and therefor didn't advance. I like Mikey, he's cute and all, but between Andrew and Mickey, Andrew should have advanced.

I was NOT going to watch Big Brother this season. LAst season was so blah, I totally wasn't going to watch. And then they added the X-factor..... So I watched it in fast-forward this morning and I sorry to have to admit, it's kind of got me interested. I'll need to see if the contestants are intersting before deciding if I actually will watch all summer (who am I kidding here.... you KNOW I'll watch the whole thing!)

Finally... drum roll please.... the contractor showed up this morning and got started on the basement! This is such a long running project, I was truly starting to believe it never was going to get done! But he showed up, most of the brick wall has been removed and tomorrow, they should be able to start relocating the plumbing and electrical in order to start putting back together and new laundry room and den. This should be a family room / playroom, but who knows, we might have no need for a play room.... I know, I know, THINK POSITIVE!!!!

Anything to add? 0

Idol Fever hits Canada!

2003-07-08 - 10:37 a.m.

I've got the Fever! The Canadian Idol Fever! For the last two seasons of American Idol, I've watched, I've rooted, but I have been unable to vote, living north of the border. But we've got our own CI now, and baby, I voted my little heart out last night! If you live anywhere near the Canadian Border and get a CTV feed, or if you have one of those fancy dishes that allows you to watch Canadian tv, I highly recommend CI. The judges aren't very well known, but they are pretty constructive in their criticism. OK, Ben Mulroney is no Ryan Seacrest, but the contestants are fabulous!

I voted for my fave in the first group yesterday, a Montreal boy, Andrew Leader! and I threw a few votes in for Billy Klippert and Candida Clauseri, 'cause they were my top 3 last night. Oooooh, I've got the Fever!!!!

I also, I'm pretty ashamed to say, watched the "finale" of For Love or Money. For about one second I felt bad for Paige, she was so cute, so innocent. Then, I came to my senses! That guy is such a dufus! He could have walked away with a little admirer and some money, now he got nothing! NOTHING! But Erin wasn't very smart either. She took the money, what makes her think the guy won't do the exact same, and she'll be left with.... NOTHING! People, haven't you learned anything from watching The Bachelor???

I've got no physical symptoms anymore... no achy boobs, not so tired, no nausea..... I've got a bad feeling about Friday morning. For my hubby's take on this whole thing, he's actually blogged again! First time in 4 months!!!!!

Anything to add? 0

Waiting for your blow up doll?

2003-07-07 - 1:05 p.m.

IF your delivery of Special Toys is delayed, this might explain why..... Thanks to Mimi Smartypants. You can always count on her smarty links!

Anything to add? 0

a very exciting morning.....

2003-07-07 - 10:30 a.m.

Now I don't know where to start... I was gonna tell you all about my weekend, but I was just involved in possibly saving a life this morning, so that's kind of on my mind right now....

It's nothing heroic, I was just leaving my house to come to work when I noticed an elderly man on my neighbours front stoop, waiving at me. I wasn't sure if it was her or his father, but I waved back, thinking it was very sweet of him to wave at me. Then he clutched his chest and made a "stop" motion with his hand, so I stopped my car in front of their driveway and jumped out. He told me in very broken English (he's 79 and German is his mother-tongue) that he tought maybe he was having a heart attack and he was alone, hiw wife had gone to bring the grandkids to camp. I know both my neighbours work during the day, so I sat hime down, ran into their house to grab their phone and called 911. While I was given them info, the mailman walked by, so I made him go back to my house to get my hubby, who started rummaging through THEIR house looking for their work numbers so we could let them know what was going on. The ambulance got there in about 8 minutes, which felt like an eternity. I held his hand, rubbed his back and spoke to him in German (man, that University degree FINALLY came in handy!). Now we were having no luck reaching the neighbours anywhere when lo and behold, he just drove up to his house! I was in the neighbourhood and spotted the ambulance parked in front of his house, so he turned around and came to check it out. In the meantime, the loaded Mr. K in the back and just as they were driving away, his wife was walking back from the daycamp, so of course, she was a bit shaken up. But she grabbed her purse and off they went to the hospital.

If I had left for work 5 minutes earlier, I wouldn't have found him. The mail man would have found him a few minutes later, but by then, who knows, he might have fallen down the steps and hurt himself worse.

So, now it seems a bit trivial to talk about my weekend, but hey, I will anyways! Nothing much on Friday night, just dinner and While You Were Out. Saturday, I started getting stuff ready for the BBQ and had my hair cut. It looks nice, he did a really nice job. I also splurged on a couple of Aveda products, including the all time best smelling shampoo: rosemary/mint.

We had a great time at the BBQ. Lots of people came, a few were no shows, but the weather was absolutely perfect, Mortimer was beyond excited to have doggy visitors (the doggy day care owner came with her 6 week old baby and her two massive dogs). The food turned out very well, especially the BBQ steamed salmon on cedar plank and the flourless/dairyless chocolate cake (we have a friend who is highly allergic to both flour and dairy).

Hubby even manage to pull a big suprise over on me by enlisting the help of his friend who owns a bakery and the aforementioned neighbour's fridge, the had a lovely very flour intensive chocolate cake with Happy B-day on it. I felt truly embarasse, having not told people it was my B-day.

yesterday, my actual B-day, I woke up early. I've been falling asleep early and waking up around 6 for a couple of says now.... J showered me with presents: earings, a watch, 2 books and the Tradings Spaces behind the scenes book. Then he had them wish me a happy b-day on the radio!

We had a lazy breakfast and took the old Buick for a drive to my parents house, who are both under the weather these days. They gave me cute pajamas and an ice cream maker! (note to self, hunt the net for a good ice cream cookbook)

My big birthday indulgence was to drag my hubby to see LEgally Blonde 2. It was pretty funny, in a cutsy way. He didn't enjoy it, but that wasn't the point, now was it? We had a lovely italian dinner last night and caught the first episode of TS Families. Cute, but a bit too much wasted time with the kids..... hopefully it'll get better.

The contractor was supposed to start our basement this morning. Of course, he didn't show up. he did leave a message at the store asking for a couple more days to finish his last job. Why didn't he call the house, he has the number!!! Anyways, J spoke to him, he promised he'd be there latest on Thursday. If he is not there, that's the end, we'll have to put the entire project on hold until I find someone I have more confidence in.

So that was my exciting morning. No Contractor, got up at 6 because of the stress of renovations/upcoming pregnancy test, and then held an old man's hand and tried to find his relatives while waiting for an ambulance to show up...... What does the rest of the day hold for me????

Anything to add? 2


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