won't you sit with me, please?

2003-06-16 - 9:38 a.m.

Ouch! I'm in pain. I've been on hormone therapy for four days now (today is 5th day) and it hurts. The needles leave a burning sensation for a while, and there is definate pinching and pain on my ovaries.... fun fun!

Well, that's it! Our great first employee worked her last day on Sunday. Ironically, after constantly telling everyone how she never once called in sick or cancelled in the 2 years she was here, she was very, very ill this weekend and cancelled on Friday night. She did come on Saturday morning, but when I saw her greenish sick face and heard her cough, I promptly sent her back home. We took her out for a nice fancy meal Saturday night and she scraped up enough energy to come to work on Sunday. What a trooper.

The good news is, New Girl is working out just fine. She's making small mistakes with returns and discounts, but what's impressive is that she figures it out on her own and corrects them every time.

Jewish story time: If you don't know too much about judaism, this might be a little hard to follow.

I'm a convert. Orthodox. Modern Orthodox. In the conversion program in my city, you have to be sponsered by a religious family. We were sponsored by a Lubavitch couple we met through friends. She grew up secular and became religious as an adult, so she understands what it's like to miss things you used to do or eat before. They are very nice. We like them a lot, and they are very understanding when we struggle with stuff, like me wearing pants or my husband not putting on T-fillin every day.

Last night, their oldest son has his Bar Mitvah. We were of course invited, along with another couple from our conversion class. I sturggle for hours about what to wear, and ended up wearing a long paisley printed silk dress with ruffles. I did have to wear and tank top underneat because it was a tad low cut, but with a stunning hat and hight leather boots, it was the picture of modesty, allbeit purple....

We got there on time, but were early by jewish standards. This Chabad Schul/reception hall is located in a old department store. Just imagine going to a party in a defunt JC Penney and you get the picture.

Becasue she grew up secular, some of the people there were totally non religious: her cousins, siblings and their kids etc. Some of the women were wearing pants and most didn't have their heads covered. The rest of the guest, however, were all Lubavitchers. I didn't fit in, neither did my husband. After he joined the boys the daven Mincha, we waited outside for the other couple we knew to arrive. The guys went to sit together on the men's side and I went to sit with his wife on the women's side. We took a table fight in the middle of the room. Most people hadn't sat down yet, but there was one table of secular old ladies, and one table of religious young women with babies. As the evening got underway, people grabbed seats at tables around us. No one sat with us. We were too religious-looking for the secular family members and too non-religious-looking for the religious women. At some point, my friend got her baby from her husband on the other side of the wall (yes, for those of you unfamiliar with religious jewish affairs, men and women are seperated by a wall) and found out that our husbands were also sitting by themselves, except for one man who had come without his wife. Turns out, his wife was also a convert, but he is much more religious than we are!!!

Why I am telling you all this? Well, I guess that evening was the metaphor for all my feelings regarding my conversion. Except among other converts, I always stick out. Among my husband's family, we are too religious. We insist on eating Kosher food and won't drive on Saturdays, so they think we are "fanatics". But among strictly religious people, we are way too modern and non-observant for them. When you convert, you are told that the religious community will accept you whole-heartedly. It's not true. They'll accept you if you move to their street, dress in navy and black, wear a wig and have 10 kids. But if you consider yourself Modern Orthodox, they see you as a fallen jew. It's not enough to keep Kosher in and out, to wear skirts and hats, attend Schul every week and live a righteous life. You've got to be as fervent as they are, otherwise, they won't even sit with you at a Bar Mitvah....

Anything to add? 2

Here we go again!

2003-06-12 - 1:22 p.m.

The computer just ate up my entire entry. Of course, it won't be as witty the second time around.

It's official, we have begun round 2 of fertility treatment. It's a different protocole this time, 225IU of Gonal and 150IU of Pergonal (Humegon). I have no idea if these are high dosages, we'll have to see what kind of side effects I get this time.

I did have an ultra-sound this morning. For those of you unfamiliar with infertility treatment, this is not a pregnancy-type ultra-sound with gel on your belly. Think of a sex-toy, attach it to a computer with a wire, and then insert it into my most private area to take pictures of my uterus from the inside... That kind of ultra-sound... I can't get used to it, no matter how many I have done.... It's short and sweet, doesn't hurt at all, but it still weirds me out everytime.

Tonight is TAR4! Yeah! Because of the sidewalk-sale (it's sunny, we're actually on the sidewalk) I won't have to find anyting to keep myself busy until my husband gets home and we can watch it together. We're both working til 9 and will catch it afterwards. Since Amanda and Chris were booted last week, I'll go on a limb and put my money on the Virgins or the Straight Guys to go all the way. Of course, this would mean that the Straight Guys would have to get some camera time at some point....

Anything to add? 1

Here we go again!

2003-06-12 - 1:22 p.m.

The computer just ate up my entire entry. Of course, it won't be as witty the second time around.

It's official, we have begun round 2 of fertility treatment. It's a different protocole this time, 225IU of Gonal and 150IU of Pergonal (Humegon). I have no idea if these are high dosages, we'll have to see what kind of side effects I get this time.

I did have an ultra-sound this morning. For those of you unfamiliar with infertility treatment, this is not a pregnancy-type ultra-sound with gel on your belly. Think of a sex-toy, attach it to a computer with a wire, and then insert it into my most private area to take pictures of my uterus from the inside... That kind of ultra-sound... I can't get used to it, no matter how many I have done.... It's short and sweet, doesn't hurt at all, but it still weirds me out everytime.

Tonight is TAR4! Yeah! Because of the sidewalk-sale (it's sunny, we're actually on the sidewalk) I won't have to find anyting to keep myself busy until my husband gets home and we can watch it together. We're both working til 9 and will catch it afterwards. Since Amanda and Chris were booted last week, I'll go on a limb and put my money on the Virgins or the Straight Guys to go all the way. Of course, this would mean that the Straight Guys would have to get some camera time at some point....

Anything to add? 0

Not feeling it in my bones.

2003-06-11 - 1:24 p.m.

Today is the first day of our street's sidewalk sale. So of course, it's piss-pouring rain out. Same thing happened last year. The first day is a total wash-out. I just hope the rest of the week is nice so we can take stuff outside, otherwise, it's not much of a sidewalk sales.....

So I got my period this morning. Aren't you excited? I called the fertility clinic right away and made an appointment for an ultra-sound tomorrow at 9:15. This should mean that we will start round #2 of in-vitro tomorrow. I'm not too sure why they need an ultra-sound (I think they check for cysts), since it's pretty obvious I'm not ovulating at the moment, but I won't question at this point, I'll just hope this gets us started on round #2.

This should be very different from last time. Short and concentrated rather than long and drawn out like last time. The thing is, I just don't "feel it" in my bones. I believe in the power of positive thinking, and I also believe that you always know deep down inside if something is right for you or not. I don't think in-vitro will work for us. It's not enough that my husband's got this serious genetic disease, but I'm a carrier, which causes us all kinds of testing problems, on top of it, something is wrong with one of my ovaries. Add it all up, and I think conceiving is out of reach for us. I'm not saying we won't have kids. I know adoption will eventually bring us a few little ones, but right now, I just have this weird feeling in-vitor is all for noth.

Send me your good vibes, maybe we can change that weird feeling I've got!

And now for my favorite topic: TV!

I caught the first two hours of NBC's search for a comedian. The show isn't all that thrilling, but I like the comedians. Some of them were outright hilarious. Some of them were not, I mean not remotely, funny. I don't get why they want to put them all in a house together though. What does that have to do with being funny?

Episode two of The Wire was great. Jimmy, what a naughty boy. He's really enjoy his calculator isn't he? First he calculates the tides to figure out where the girl drowned, now he's busy calculating use of oxygen in a container to once again stick his former boss with 13 homicides. You know what job I want? The actress who plays the secretary who writes up the victims' names on the board. That's all she does. Climbs on a chair without her shoes, writes down the victim's name and particulars, climbs off the chair, and then she's gone. Is her name in the credits? I haven't checked, but I will, I swear. It's too funny! If you know who she is, let me know!

Anything to add? 0

my mother in laws "cooking"

2003-06-10 - 12:37 p.m.

We had dinner at my mother-in-law's last night... I'm not sure I've ever blogged about this topic before....

My MIL is a lovely woman. She's devoted to her 10 grandkids. She's also what you would call... odd, weird, kookoo for cocopuffs.... I won't go into all the odd things that she does, but let me give you a general picture: goes to bed at 6PM, gets up at 4AM and then exercises outside for hours, by herself. She dresses only in black, all her clothes come from Good Will (trust me, she can afford new clothes), she's blind as a bat but owns no glasses, which could be a problem when she drives, except she doesn't drive on the highway or on hills, which means she can't leave her immediate neighbourhood. She's not old, barely 60.

Now, back to dinner. My MIL loves to cook. She thinks she's an amazing cook. Thing is, she's not. Her food is AWFUL. Nobody goes there to eat. It's dangerous to your health. Her 3 older kids all have kids of their own now, so they have built in excuses not to come for dinner. The grand-kids come, but they're all picky eaters (At least they claim to be!) so they stick to crackers and peanut butter. But hubby and I, we have no excuse. We have no kids preventing us from going out, and we can only claim to be working late so often. So about once a month (it used to be every week, but I had to put my foot down and stop that), we go over for dinner.

This is what we eat, everytime: Chicken Soup, then meatballs, then Chicken with rice, potatoes or potato knish and some manner of vegetables. I know, you think that sounds all right. Well here is the problem. We always go to dinner on Monday night. She makes the meal on Sunday afternoon, and keeps it warm in the oven until we show up, on Monday! I kid you not! The chicken doesn't just fall off the bone, the bone has dissolved! The veggies fall apart when you try to pick them up, the rice is beyond gross... all in all, it's heartburn on a plate!

We've tried inviting her to our house, but one of her other weird things is that she doesn't like to eat anyone's food but her own. So she will come if invited, but then she makes sure that you come to her house at least 4 times before accepting the next invitation!

It's actually worst in the winter. She'll not only make rice and potatoes, she'll add corn too. Carbo heaven! Then, she talks on and on about how bad carbs are for you and she doesn't eat any, she just makes them for us. Yum!

I don't want you to think this is a rant on my MIL. It's not. Just her cooking. Honestly, even my hubby can't stand her food. He tells such funny stories of being a kid and having to sit at the table for hours, trying to finish his plate....

OK. The bathroom calls... must be the veggies from last night!

Anything to add? 0

gums showing noticeable improvement

2003-06-09 - 2:55 p.m.

My shoulder is killing from all the work we did around the house yesterday: carrrying out the patio furniture, completely emptying the garage, re-stacking the succa panels (oh joy!) and spending almost two hours at Canadian Tire in search of a large rubbermaid shed-type tool storage device (they couldn't find it in the backstore...)

The yard is starting to look usable, and once we remove the large boulders from the driveway (left from removing the retaing wall), we'll be able to park the giant car in the garage at night so it doesn't get too humid (pesky little thing. It's 1965 wiring likes to stay dry, otherwise it doesn't start.)

Today is day 28 in my cycle. Aren't you glad I just told you that?!?!? Tomorrow, I should get my period, which would mean we could start in-vitro attempt number 2. I feel crappy today, but not in the day-before-my-period kind of way. More like something-is-wrong-with-my-body-and-I'll-never-conceive kind of way. Of course, I could just be feeling sorry for myself, because my best friend K got pregnant on the first try. She had her second test last Friday and will get her first ultrasound on the 16th. I am totally stoked for her. Really. I'm not lying. I want her to be a mom so bad. Long ago, she used to say she didn't want kids, she had enough at work (first grade teacher), but I always thought she would make an awsome mom. So I'm thrilled she changed her mind about kids and I'm thrilled she's pregnant.

But it doesn't change the fact that it didn't work for us last time, and that somewhere inside of me, I think it won't ever work. I can't explain it, I just don't feel "it". We still have adoption, but we're still procrastinating on that front and haven't photocopied our file yet.

One happy thought to end: I had my teeth cleaned this morning and the dental hygeniest told me I was doing a great job and my gums were showing noticeable improvement since last time. That just means I was doing a crap-ass job before, but hey, I'll take my props where I can get them!

Anything to add? 0


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